Reflection

Can’t believe this decade coming to a close. So much change, heartbreak and growth. And love. Love for my kids. Love for my career. Love for life. Love unattainable.
Staying on my path because I know I can do it alone. Always have. That is constant. Waiting to see what 2020 brings.

Getting My Shit Together 🤣

Not even sure last time I posted. Last few months kind of crazy. Crazy difficult, crazy good, and just plain crazy.

As I approach a new decade trying to challenge myself mentally and physically, as well as searching for the ever evasive sense of peace while balancing family, school, and other stuff.

After 2 years of prodding, finally encouraged my siblings to talk my dad into assisted living. He is out of state, in his 80’s and in compromised health. It was really about convincing him he needed to move. Way too long a story, but in the end he accepted move and is happy. Still issues to deal with and thankfully my brother and sister in law dealing with most of details. Because I have our mom. Full time. 24/7.

Probably one of most difficult things has been discovering how human and frail she is. Honestly, she has endured more pain and suffering than most from an extremely young age. But only in last few years have I realized how much her childhood and marriage to my father has damaged her. Could really write a book about her life. It would be turned into a bestseller and then mini series for sure. Makes me love, appreciate, and miss my step father even more. His patience and love had no boundaries.

At same time, my college freshman son sowing his oats and now facing consequences. Of course I’m also paying the emotional and financial costs of his youthful mistakes. But this is really what I wanted and knew would happen. He has undergone so many changes in last few years and I blew up his safe world when I could no longer stay married to his dad. But he is finding his way and learning life lessons. Yes, I will always be there to pick up the pieces. But process exhausting.

Then there is battle being fought by my oldest and closest friend. So blessed to have this women in my life for last 30+ years. Cancer sucks. Only wish I had an iota of the courage she has. Compared to her I am weak and frail. The only good from this is that it propelled me to reach beyond my comfort zone and risk failure. Defined my purpose. Fitness has become my vocation and passion. Teaching/coaching Les Mills programs has given me a new lease on life. BODYPUMP the gateway to my fitness transformation. But last week I finally took my ACE personal training exam and passed. My pipe dream became finally a reality. My ultimate goal is to become a certified cancer exercise specialist. Step one accomplished. Going to spend next six months honing my training skills and then will focus on that goal.

And because I always need to keep moving and challenging myself going to BODYCOMBAT training this weekend. Again, so fucking crazy. I cried and walked out of first class I took 4 years ago. But I kept going back. Rhythm and coordination not my strengths but yet I’m going for it because of how it makes me feel. Bad Ass. Fierce. Free. Difficult yes. Challenging yes. But this is what life should be about. Living. Challenging yourself. Never being complacent.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHnE3h1jc_w&feature=share

Sunday Mornings

Really lovely morning. Lovely day. Taught Sprint, took Combat and then taught Grit, Pump and Cx. Intense but extremely fulfilling. Truely blessed to be able to do what I do.  I love it all; helping others becomIng stronger, fitter and stronger than they thought they were. But still a distraction from what eludes me. What I really crave but will never truely have. Still.. am blessed to be surrounded by so many dedicated people who are striving to be fit, fierce, and healthy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHnE3h1jc_w&feature=share

I put up a good front.. we’ll some of the time.  Still, trying to fulfill my new goal of uplifting other women so that we can all shine. To lift each other up. To be fierce, fit and free😉

Shine

http://www.fatlossfoodies.com/blog-1/success-is-the-new-black
Check out the link to one of most empowering things I’ve read in a long time. Hit lots of raw nerves. Raw nerves, because I am that petty, jealous person who constantly compares myself to others and feels like I never quite measure up and jealous and resentful of others who I think are better than me. Have more than me. Look better than me.. etc. you get the idea. 

I know I already shared this but everytime I read it, it makes me feel good. Worthy. 

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ~Marianne Williamson

Plan is to start each day asking myself “who am I not to be gorgeous,  talented and fabulous?! 

I have always been my worst enemy who listens to the negative voice in my head and then lashing out at others because I am feeling insignificant and small. Going to make conscious effort to to celebrate me and the greatness in others 

Sleep, Eat, Netflix; Repeat

Took a very needed rest day today. Teaching over 20 classes a week and it takes its toll at end of the week. The rain today provided a guilt free respite. Came home after 6am GRIT and went back to bed for 3 more hours. Tried to eat well; protein and carbs to refuel my body and binge watched Luther on Netflix. 

Rest does not come easy to me. Always feel like I “should” be doing something else or wasting my precious moments, But today I peacefully rested so that I can be on top of my game tomorrow and rested enough to train hard Sunday. 

Had the best companion possible. No one as loyal or devoted 🐶❤️

Also inspired by quote that I first heard at a LesMills training and was reminddd again today ..,

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ~Marianne Williamson

To be fearless and free.. that is my goal

Do what you love

Summer means I get a needed break from 8th graders. I love most of them but always question whether I’m making any difference in their education. I love teaching and couldn’t imagine doing anything else.  But break needed. It means I get to play as much as I want😉 That means teaching over 20 group X classes a week😀

Glad I found something I love. Could never support myself and kids on just that, but it does alow me to make extra money and help others become the strongest, fiercest version of themselves. Nothing more rewarding. 

Averaging about 5 classes a day so by end of week I’m shot. Still following 3 day lifting program. Friday( tomorrow ) my rest day. Just 6am GRIT. Actually hoping for rain so that I can go back to bed and sleep as much as I want without feeling like I should be outside doing something. 

Having said that already trying to figure out what I can do 😂. If I wake up might try to take BODYFLOW in morning. 

Covered a lot of extra classes this week. And lifted Tuesday, Wednesday and today. But happiest with a heavy bar in my hands. Aesthetic gains just a bonus. For me it’s all about getting the rush when my heart rate soars and I finish a set. 

Peaceful

First weekend I felt truely at peace from beginning to end; well almost. Took Michael to his NSO at Penn State Thursday-Friday. So glad I went. Wasn’t original plan. Didn’t want to leave my mom alone again after being away on vacation. Thought his session coincided with someone else I knew and they were going to drive him out there. My mistake, they didn’t but it worked out for the best. I got to see my sweet boy truely excited and happy about his future. My low key, quiet boy is being proactive and open. Honestly no words for how happy it makes me to see him this happy. 

Poor thing honestly endured more than his share the last few years and instead of rebelling or acting out he remained sweet, kind and loving. I thank god every day. Grateful every day. He is excited about his future and he should be! Kind of wish I was going out there with him next month. 

Then I got to spend yesterday with my beautiful girl. She actually likes to spend time with me so we headed to New Hope for the afternoon. The total opposite of her brother, she has no problem sharing her feeling or thoughts lol. From 9 months of age, the girl could talk. She amazes me every day. Her strength, her pure heart, her conviction. Wouldn’t change one thing about her. She even introduced me to wine slushies 😋She traded me in for her boyfriend and a Zach Brown concert when we got home, as she should. 

Today I taught four classes.. cycle on top of my normal 3. Great facility, wonderful people. Took my mom to Fabricland after my classes and then got to relax at pool with my J friends. Came home and reviewed for tomorrow’s soft launch at RWJ and chilled with my 4 legged girl. The almost I referred to is the panic attack that I had to work through at the beginning of cycle. Not sure where it came from. The spin room is really small and I think I went to hard to soon. Spiked my heart rate to fast and felt room closing in. Took every ounce of strength to not bolt off bike and out of room. Had to talk myself through it, focus on my breathing and my purpose for being there. So thankful it worked.

Hate that I have to deal with this, as does everyone who suffers from anxiety, depression and/or other mental health issues. The workout itself most important part of my therapy because that is when I feel most alive and free so when my issue interferes, it is debilitating. More so the reason I need to find and fine tune my coping strategies.

Anyway 90% of weekend great and the 10% that wasn’t I coped through and became stronger because of💪🏋

Listened to My Body

Strange aversion to most, but for me rest is difficult. I keep thinking about all the things I could or should be doing. But yesterday was a struggle. Everything.  Paying the price for trying to do to much to soon and not allowing myself time to decompress after school finished.  Because it has become habit, I forget the toll on my body of working 12-15 hour days. Instructing, teaching, instructing and occasionally parenting. 

So today I listened. Came home and went back to sleep. I ate well. Tons of protein and healthy carbs. Still, hormonal overload lead to explicable sobbing. No real reason for it (other than fatigue, hormones …yet they came But then started making playlists for my spin classes and I felt productive. Then went to JCC and hung out at pool while I reviewed choreography and master classes.  I napped in the sun🌞. Was a lovely afternoon. Made friends there because of instructing and got to hang with some of them today. 

This summer for me is about finding balance. Evaluating my choices. Trying to believe I am worthy of the good fortune which had come my way ; amazing children, a secure livelihood, a newfound passion which also allows me to supplement my income, and lastly wonderful friends. They may be few but they are true. Forgiving myself for my weaknesses and the choices I’ve made. Mostly I want to just live in the moment. Nothing guaranteed and nothing is permanent. 

Planned my classes for this weekend and feeling strangely calm. My  favorite place is by the water. Any body of water. The steady rythem of the waves crashing soothes and calms me. Just like a good, strenuous session. 

Tomorrow I start my new BODYPUMP class in NB. Really struggled with decision. Means giving up taking BODYCOMBAT at the Club. In the end, had to make a decision based on practicality and what is best for me in the long run. Life is about choices and what you make of them. Choosing to move forward. Even if just baby steps. 

Lessons

1. Fuel you body. It is a machine. It needs to be well nourished it you want optimal performance

2. Take a rest day. 3 days straight of heavy lifting followed by a heavy training day foolish. To make gains, the body needs to rest and recover. 

3. Be kind to yourself 

4. Live in the moment. No guarantee of tomorrow. Do what makes you happy. Take the risk, get uncomfortable because that is when you reap the most rewards 

5. Love your imperfections. That is what makes you, you. #perfectlyimperfect

The pic is a snapshot of today’s battle wound. Training hard. I overdid it the three days prior with no rest before today’s session. Dumb. Everything was an effort. But still grateful for session. Failure is just an opportunity to reassess and do better next time. Stil able to teach 4 classes tonight and my last, SPRINT, my best. 

Tomorrow only teaching one. At 6am. Goal is to rest. Lol. We’ll see how that goes. Did get to spend some time at pool😌