Attitude and Effort

  A very up and down day. Found out indirectly that one of my classess cancelled. More upset about how I found than losing the class. Not going to lie, it hurt. Always feels like a rejection of me. Goes with what I said in last post about not being enough.  But I get it. It’s about numbers. 
Then I learned entire GRIT Plyo release to help out a friend. This whole GRIT thing is s whirl wind. Swore I would never attemp it. Some days I barely make it through class. Yet tonight I coached it. Overall not horrible. I remembered most of it. Warmup actually the most difficult because so many transitions. I know my form on some of moves needs improvement.  But I got through it. Truly effort over perfection! 

Fought my fear and myself, always my worst enemy and critic. I knew I was ok once I got through warmup. Did have brain freeze at one point but persevered. Helped tremendously that regulars know me and were very kind. I did floor coach and provide options.  Really not bad for going solo and 48 hours of cramming. 

I was far, far from perfect. But I went in with a pure heart. Put aside my hurt feelings and got my head in the right space. Yes, it is about the effort. I gave it 100%.  I will accomplish my goal and will readily accept whatever opportunity comes my way. Always me vs. me. 

I have transformed and changed. I willingly go way outside my comfort zone. I learned that I perform best when I don’t think too much and just do. After a LOT of preparation. I have transformed physically and mentally. I have changed. Now I have to learn to not let others take advantage of my need to feel needed and help those I care about. I accept opportunities and challenges because they make me stronger, better, more competent at what I strive to do. 

  😉😉😉😉😉😉😉

Never Quite Enough

  I always feel this way. Like I’m never quite enough. Sometimes just feel like I’m tredding water or spinning my wheels. I keep wanting to reach for more. I spend my whole day waiting for night. Then sleep so tomorrow comes.  Never feel completely whole. Always waiting for “that thing”.  So wish I could appreciate  all I have achieved but my  restless soul isn’t satisfied. Really don’t know what it will take tosatisfy it. Which I did know.

Having said that, I learned entire GRIT Ploy release today. Coached whole release to myself. Got most of it and definely know my plyo track. Tomorrow I focus on Strength. I know my track but want to learn whole release. This training is the one I feel least prepared for. Hope I have stamina to get through both days. Style of coaching outside my comfort zone yet I do this in the classroom everyday. Instruct, model, modify where needed, and encourage.  It’s what I do every day. So I should be able to do it on the gym floor. One would think, yet I’m terrified.  Having said all that i am going in with sponge like mentality to absorb all I can .

Yet I want to learn and improve. To feel alive and make a difference. After GRIT training I have Pump AIM 1 in November. And just registered for Baltimore Super Q a week after. Looking forward to opportunity to grow and learn.  

All of this and still lacking the one thing all humans need. One day, when the time is right. Not saying I need a man to be completed. I don’t. Happier now than I ever was married. But everyone needs a human connection. To feel wanted and desired. To have someone to share “stuff” with. But the time isn’t right. Not yet. Need to let what’s happening at home take its course.  

 Timing. It is everything. 

Decided to Dance

Soul Dancing   
Spent most of today studying for next weekend’s GRIT training. More brain tired than physically tired. Know the structure of both of my tracks. The science behind each and the moves for each set in the blocks of work. Feeling a little overwhelmed because this format is very different from other Les Mills programs. Then have to learn new Body Pump and Cx releases for launch at JCC.  Going WAY ouside of comfort zone. It is scary and exciting at the same time. Really looking forward to the challenge. I just need to remind myself that this is all about me. To see if I can do it. To challenge myself mentally, emotionally and physically. Those who know me well know that is what I thrive on. Most of all it makes me feel alive. Especially this format because it leaves you sucking for air every time, literally gasping for breath. 

This week will be a testament to time management, eating well and getting sleep. I am so excited to be part of the Grit tribe because it is the epitome of being part of a team. Working with participants one on one, improving their form, pushing them to their limits and most of all making them healthier and fitter. I want to DANCE!! To express the feelings deep in my soul! I am a warrior in training💪💪👊😊😊😊

Ordinary, Awful, and Amazing

In the midst of sadness and hardship there is life. I made a life altering decision two years ago to live mine. There have been many ups and downs in the journey, not one I ever regret embarking on. I’ve learned many things about myself mainly that I am stronger than I thought. Not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well. I also learned how to do the things I need to do to keep me sane in both ordinary and awful times. I am breathing, exhaling and savoring the things and people I love. I rather spend 3 hours in the gym with my friends than shop, go to a party or out to dinner. Or anything else for that matter. Everyone needs to find what makes them happy and brings them joy.

Last night was amazing to me. Not just getting s PR but the way I could feel the stress seep out of my body as I started to go low on squats. I could laugh at myself as I fell over. I felt achievement on every hang clean. Joyous through the warm up and squat track during Pump. Totally smashed after GRIT Plyo and CX but in the best way possible. Today I crashed and let myself recover guilt free. Watched both GRIT releases and did modified versions of my tracks. Warmed up on elliptical to get lactic acid out of my legs but took it easy. Early night sleep and tomorrow I go all out. I set goals because it allows me to focus on the future and work for something. I learned that too. Life is much more meaningful when you chose to grow and learn. Never be complacent. I am grateful that I have a body that is healthy enough to engage in activities that are meaningful to me. Grateful that I have people in my life who coach, encourage and love me.

My biggest achievements are not how much I can lift or how many certifications I can get, but in the lives I can impact in a meaningful way. The mom thing is always first, but that aside, if what I do encourages someone else to become healthier or find their joy, that is both amazing and beautiful.

Best Part of Day are my Nights

Crazy how the day can pass slowly but my nights fly by. My epic 3 hours of Friday night fun night flies by land left me feeling high! New hang clean PR. Going to do my GRIT homework tomorrow. Nailed squat track not so much on biceps but regrouped and picked it back up.

GRIT

 What Did I Get Myself Into???? I’ve never been more excited!! It is truly the hardest, most challenging thing I’ve ever attempted. Although only 30 min there are 3 programs: cardio, plyo and strength. Spent  the day reading, highlighting and making note cards of GRIT essentials and notes for my strength track . Still need to do complete workouts for each format. It’s the hardest 30 minutes you will ever work. Leaves me sucking for air every time and I LOVE it. Hence why still awake past midnight when I have to wake op at 6am. Also doing 2 new tracks tomorrow in CX. 
This is my time!! To drive, push and max out. If not now. then when??? We max out!! Every time! It is what makes us healthy, alive and young. Preventive medicine!! I spend my entire day looking forward to my nights at the gym. Front squated, yes ass to grass, Body Combat and GRIT strength. Watched Plyo after watching  Law and Order SUV with my beautiful daughter. Teaching 2 new CXWORX tracks tomorrow!! At least new to me😁Best part of my days are my nights!!

Exhausted

 Nothing to LoseExhausted but still awake. Up half the night because Ditty awake and keeping my mom up so I’m up most of night. That was 3am. Elisabeth’s alarm went off at 5am. She left for work at 5:45am. Had her turn coffee on before she left. My alarm went off at 6am. Put dishes in dishwasher, pug away laundry. Made lunches and left for work by 7am. Long day.

• Subbed for pump last minute. Thought I was prepared but sucked big time. Torn between blaming it on hormones and sucking it up and saying I sucked.

Lift Away

I’m the first to admit the gym is my escape . My safe haven. The time I spend there passes quickly whether alone or hanging with my gym family. This weekend was a great one in terms of gym time. Yesterday morning’s GRIT Masterclass was an unexpected moment of opportunity. I’m taking the leap, trying something I will not immediately excel at or excel at ever, but will push me to become stronger, fitter, better and allow me to help others do the same. And who would think there would be over 15 people at a 1pm Body Pump class on a Saturday afternoon. I road the high I was still experiencing to propel me through class.  I was ‘on’. Hit choreography, and really think I hit layer 1,2 &3 cues. But more than that I was conversing with the class, joking and we were having fun.  Talked to some after class. They liked my music and fact that it was different (I was subbing).

Same this morning. Less people but I am getting regulars and its nice getting to know them. I say this not to boast because I know I am still a novice and have much to work on in terms of coaching and technique. Some one I respect told me that at the end of the day the most important thing your class will remember is that you care…enough to greet them, change up tracks, be authentic and do your best. What I want to be able to do is leave the same footprint that my trainer, mentor, coach has left on me…to fall in love with the process of training and working hard and to encourage others to be more than they ever thought they could be.

I say all of this because it keeps me going after nights like tonight. Ditty was catherized this week. My mom met with her accountant and lawyer trying to get estate in order. The house was Ditty’s but when my mom sold her house and they moved back into his after his daughter died, they remortgaged the house to renovate and my mom put her house proceeds into his house. Just want to make sure no one crawls out of the woodwork to challenger her. It is really the only reason they married after living together for 20 years. To make sure they were protected upon the death of the other. The whole process is emotionally exhausting.

Today he wouldn’t eat or drink. Tonight he was agitated and scared. Lucid enough to know who we are but living in the past. He is disoriented and doesn’t know where he is. Keeps saying he wants to get out of here and go home.  He says he is scared. Nothing I can say to make it better. Only agitates him more. When trying to explain, he says I’m crazy and trying to make him crazy. At one point he wanted the phone so he could call the police on me because I was “flaking out”. It would be funny if it weren’t so damn heart breaking. He settled down after the Adovan. By 7 my mother was as self medicated as him.

So I busy myself. I exhaust myself. I push myself to my physical limits. It makes me feel alive to train and sweat. Love it more than the classroom. I still love teaching but I can really see myself doing something else in 5-10 years. But whether teaching 8th graders history or teaching group X, my hope to to help those I encounter to be the best version of themself.

Challenge Yourself Every Damn Day

Not expecting to be great.. Lol..  but that is always the bar to which I aspire to.  I do seek to grow, learn and inspire. New challenge presented, a new opportunity for growth. Too good to pass on. So once again I am going way out of my comfort zone and am going to willingly be comfortable being uncomfortable.

Between yesterday’s deadlifts and hang cleans an today’s hour of GRIT and then teaching Pump, my hamstrings and back feel like they they are a tightly pulled rubber band. Lots of stretching and foam rolling tomorrow.

So tired but not sleeping

Long week even off on Monday. Had back to back Back to School nights; and they exhausting. Michael was appreciative on Wednesday and I was grateful on Thursday that so many of my students’ parents came to meet me. Teaching..shaping lives🔔💗👍