Demons

Still Searching…

  
Life is a never ending struggle. The media messes us up. Makes us think that there are happy endings. But not. Life keeps moving and changing. Everything is temporary . There are no happily ever afters. 

I am drawn to dark people. The mystery, the puzzle; feeds my need to do and save, to feel needed and wanted. Oiyyyy.. Sucks to want what you will never have. But all people enter our life for a reason; to change us or to challenge us. 

Fortunate to meet someone who did both. Kicked my ass today! Power workout. Haven’t pushed that hard in a really long time. Push presses and medicine ball slams, pushing box mat and box jumps, and resistance band sprints and bear crawls…multiple sets. LOVED every air sucking, heart pounding, sweat pouring second!!! One time I feel so alive. 

Learned everyone has demons. Some just hide it better than others.  My fault is that I like saving people. In this  case it is someone I profoundly care about, but know everyone has their own journey and I have to respect theirs. Hope they are able to find peace and themselves. Only makes me love them even more. 

Yes, my class was this morning  was really good and I put up Christmas decorations. Faking it until I make it! 

Climbing the Never Ending Mountain

I Refuse to be Overwhelmed I chose to engage. I chose to live everyday. Like its my last. Tomorrow I will teach my class with joy. I will put up Christmas decorations. And I will train . Train very hard. With a really good friend. Who makes me feel alive.  More than any other person ever has. And I will dream. One day one might actually come true. 

Living With Intension

 Time isn’t Renewable Living with Intension. Seems like simple concept, but harder than it seems. That said, lastly  I’m all about living big or going home. Also know that life is to short, there is no pause or replay button. Never go halfway; right or wrong. It’s your journey. As long as you live honestly and with the Intension to be present everyday. 

Painful Ending

 Just Need This Year to End  Couldn’t be anymore painful than today. Really just need this year to end.. If I close my eyes, can it be Jan 1, 2016? Really can’t bare to go through rest of holidays. Just want new year and new beginning. Thank god for 2 hours of body combat this morning. That left me feeling sweaty, breathless and alive. Kind of like good sex.. Wouldn’t know about later in a very, very long time … lol 

So tomorrow I think I’ll drown myself at the gym. If I get any sleep tonight heading there by 8:30; GRIT, Combat and CX with my favorite trainer boy. Teaching pump at JCC at noon. Not sure if training. Might have to choose between morning session or afternoon. Pretty sure he won’t let me do both. 

Anyway, counting down to new year and new beginnings..

I Love the Sound of Rain

I Feel EverythingProfoundly. I feel everything, more than I want too. I feel profoundly sad and lonely. Haven’t mourned. Don’t have the space or time. Can’t talk to one person I’ve relied on since forever. What I’m dealing with seems so insignificant to what she is going through. My family means well but they don’t have the fortitude or endurance to deal with my mom long term. Breaking my heart to see what she is becoming. Also feel tremendous guilt because we are leaving my father to fend for himself and he needs help. But I just don’t have it in me. I know I’m going to have to be the one to go down at some point, soon. Afraid I’ll get on a plane and not come back. Except for my kids. My two beautiful rays of light. So I keep chasing that elusive “thing”. Something to fill the void, the empty space. So next challenge TRX training in 2 weeks. Have wanted to do it for a while and an opportunity presented itself so taking it. Moving forward . Trying to live my life on my terms . 

 The sound of rain at night incredibly soothing. Also a turn on when having sex.. Lol. . The constant rhythem of the beating rain.  I am a puzzle of contrasts because I also love sunsets and sunrises. The beauty of the vibrant colors and  the promise of tomorrow. 

 

Can’t Explain

Either get it or you don’t   Fell in love with lifting the first time I successfully power cleaned the bar. Just the feel of the bar in my hands. Me vs. me. Getting out of my head and focusing on the task. So much more than strength and power. There is a whole science behind it.  
 Own that Shit! Every time. Deadlifted today. A stranger told me I should compete. Sounds good on surface but I would have to be so much more disciplined in what I ate and drank. And lift a lot more !! Lol. The training I could do. Nice compliment but I do this for me. The challenge, the rush, the sense of accomplishment. 

Train Don’t Think

 Leg Day Perfect training day. I squat all the time on my own but not in a training session for a while. Speed and explosiveness. Trying to improve GRIT form. Such a great session. No thinking involved. Just listen and do. Worked on agility and stability. More difficult than the squats. Quivering leg on bosu. Oh my glutes! In need of foam rolling. Pumped after. My funday Friday. Couldn’t imagine enjoying anything more. My two hours of exertion and joy. Friendship and training. Being pushed and coached to be best I can be.

Live Not Exist

Live Everyday as if it is Your Last  
I’ve spent most of this week trying to catch up at work. School. The job that pays my bills. End of marking period so grading frenzy and finalizing grades. And writing 2 weeks worth of lesson plans. My supervisor is awesome and wouldn’t give me flack for plans, but part of reason is that she trusts that I will do what I need to do plus a little more. 

I’ve napped everyday after school. Part post exhaustion catching up, part pms. 

Regrouped enough to work squats, Combat and coach GRIT. GRIT still has me feeling uncomfortable which is s good thing. Such great feedback by someone who truly wants me to improve, because he cares. He ignores my annoyance and insecurity and pushes me to be the strongest, best version of me. Have homework. Going to focus on outcomes. Each set has a purpose. Focus on purpose and improve technique. Not surprised that areas noticed tonight same areas not proficient in my video. But now I know how to fix and improve. Relax, athleticism and purpose. 

At first I cringe at feedback because it means I wasn’t perfect. But I never will be. That’s ok, living is about challenging yourself everyday. Being uncomfortable being uncomfortable. Learning and growing.  Gasping for air during workout. Feeling your heart wanting to burst from its cage. ThAt love hate relationship. The first 5 minutes of what the hell am I getting myself into then then rush of endorphin and pride at completion. 

Got homework tonight. Geek in me loves that. Perfectionist in me loves it. Crazing person mourning the loss of someone I love very much appreciates it. Gives me focus. Something concrete to do. Funny how every time I walk downstairs I still peek in the den to see if Ditty is sleeping. 

My mom holding it together relatively well. Busy during the day and sober when we get home. Know she is drinking at night to go to sleep. Can’t be a hypocrite, doing the szme. 

As much as I love teaching. I really do; I wait  all day to go to gym at night. Whether to teach, train , workout on my own or take class, it is my time. Home. Family. Comfort. Exihilerating . Challenging . The one place I felt truly alive. 

Not Sure of Anything

It’s quite funny how as a child you look up to adults thinking how sure they are of themselves and that they can protect you. I learned early on that my parents couldn’t protect me. My mother was just as much a victim to my father as the rest of us and I spent my entire life protecting her. Pooh was my constant companion and confidant. Really weird how that thought just clicked. I was never a child or teen..always a little adult. Going to be taking care of her until her last breath.

The most I can do now is love her, provide as much support as I can and make sure she doesn’t hurt herself. But I’m not a prison guard and I will continue to live my life. Going back to work tomorrow and we’ll see how it goes from there.

I did get a 24 hour reprieve. Spent 6 glorious hours yesterday doing what I love. Pump, CX, GRIT cardio, Attack, GRIT Strength, and Combat. In between I ate delicious food and hung with friends. Took GRIT Strength with an international Les Mills master trainer who said I was amazing and also impressed with my weight on the bar..lol made my weekend 🙂 I think it made the last three months except that I found out on the way to Baltimore that I passed my GRIT training. The idealist in me, what’s left, wants to see this as an omen of better things ahead, but the pragmatist knows better. So just trying to enjoy the moment . Savor what my hard work accomplished.

Tomorrow another day. My brother and his family went home and my other brother and sister in law will do the best they can. But in the end it’s just me.

Not really sure of much. Just that I love my kids more than the air I breath. Really not much more than that.

Family is Everything

Whether Given or Made   
 Today was about family. And Love. I am blessed to have the most incredible children any parent can hope for. That my kids love and support each is the best gift I could hope for. Elisabeth spoke at her grandfather’s funeral service, as did my oldest niece. Both spoke eloquently and lovingly of their grandfather. Such a beautiful testament to a loving person who will be dearly missed. Someone who epitomized love and devotion.  Micheal and my nephews were pallbearers. 

We were Ditty’s family of choice. He and my mom met the day after my 19th birthday. My brothers were in their 20’s. Yet he was more of a father to us than our biological one. He loved us fully and completely. Supported us in every endeavor. Between my brothers and myself there are 7 grandchildren. He loved everyone as if his own. But so silly of me to say because they are his. They never knew him as anything other than Pop and didn’t realize until each old enough to understand that he and my mom not leagally married. They only did so 5 years ago for legal reasons. They never needed a piece of paper. Even though he proposed many, many times.

I too am lucky that even though my brothers and I don’t speak on a daily basis, we support each other. They are amazing dads.  Baffles my mom and me because they certainly didn’t learn it from our father. Also fortunate that they met and married women who lift them higher and provided them with amazing children and unlimited love. 

Biological family and family of choice. My family of choice consists of supportive friends who love my kids as their own.  Coworkers who make work an adventure everyday and are now family I couldn’t live without. It also consists of people I would have never imagined. Young women who inspire me in a multitude of ways. And a dear, dear friend who completely changed my life in the most unexpected of ways. Challenges me on every level and the first person to check up on me this morning . The younger brother I never had. 

Family . Said goodbye today to someone I love very much. His presence in our life had the most wonderful profound effect. Even in death he brings us love. The appreciation of family of every sort. Biological and made.