Realization Of something wild and courageous

   
Spent the day just crashing. Taught CX this morning then lifted. Used my new Reebox Crossfit shoes. Can’t believe what a difference a shoe can make. So comfortable and really increased my stability.  Came up with a track list for tomorrow night..teaming with the kid. Just got Les Mills email about new release dates and it really dawned on me that I will have my very own class in September. Two releases to learn because its a Body Pump express/CXWORX combo. So crazzzzy!! Comes out Sept 1 so I have a week to learn before school starts.I also realize what a huge responsibility it is because I’m reintroducing CXWORX. A new format to the JCC. I can’t believe that I will be doing something I love and getting paid for it. I would do it without getting paid..do it now.. Because I love it. I’m doing something that will help others become fitter and lead a healthier life. Right now this is what brings me excitement and fulfillment. That and training.

Yesterday’s workout was Crossfit in essence,. Walking lunges with a 45lbs plate overhead, a sprint, 15 box jumps, 10 wall throws with 25 lbs ball and 10 wall throws with lighter ball x5. So f..ing crazy.I was drenched it sweat, gasping for air and loving every minute of it!

  

Today’s Ah Ha Moment

Sleep brings clarity. My ah ha moment this morning is that I can only become my best self by being me. For someone who values authenticity I have been trying to hard to be something I’m not. And its not working. As I focus on instructing I have to just be me, focus on my strengths, and what I want my class to feel as they participate. I will never be successful trying to teach like someone else because its not me. I’m not loud or bubbly, giddy or intense..I’m quite and driven. I love feeling strong. I thrive on helping someone else feel good about themselves. I love that feeling of cleaning a heavy bar and feeling my heart explode out of my chest after pushing myself beyond my limit. I can find my connection to a song. That I can bring to the floor.  What will be the most challenging is getting past my jealousy of others ability and my own insecurities. I can admire the ability of others and adapt pieces of them into my instruction but always remember who I am at my core and cultivate those strengths. The goal is always to become the best version of myself not someone else.

Fall, Rise, Live

Kind of cliché, but you don’t know how much you value something until you don’t have any…like sleep. The lack of it effects your energy, mood and ability to be a rational, pleasant human being.. Pretty sure I would be classified as psychotic. The profound sadness that surrounds me, lack of sleep and hours wasted in traffic brought me to the edge..hanging on by my fingertips. Probably would help if I didn’t feel the need to take 3 hours worth of classes on only 4 hours of sleep. So after finally napping brought on by melatonin, exhaustion and an allergy pill..the secret was trying to read..by second page I was out, I can now appreciate the privilege to think, breathe and love. To appreciate a friendship that offered me a respite and sunset; a conversation with my son during a long ride home where he asked hard questions, shared his feelings and made me laugh; and to accept a beautiful friendship as it is and relish in the fact that it has helped me become stronger than I ever thought I could be. I can not compare myself to others…my journey is not theirs. I will not be as fast, strong, naturally athletic or vivacious. And it’s o k. They won’t have the drive, hunger or experiences that I do. The mistakes and missteps I make along the way only help strengthen my resolve to become the strongest version of myself. Like water I will gently flow and powerfully surge through rocks, obstacles…life.

Rave 8

  Had an opportunity to attend classes taught by some of Les Mills master trainers.. The driving sucked but classes were great. Very inspiring to be in presence of those who coaching is so effortless .. And to see that they are human too and mess up choreo but keep going seamlessly. My man Sheldon McBee coached a kick ass GRIT strength class.. My favorite GRIT format because by now you know I love lifting heavy ass shit! Tomorrow this Jersey Girl finally heads to the shore!! After the gym of course💪🌞

Big day tomorrow Rave 8

  Taught my first CX class today. Totally sucked but I got it done. Only room to improve. Did get to lift after.. squats, back and chest. Loved it!  

 Sitting here thinking how lucky I am. Have friends who check in on me and two of the best kids a mom could ever hope to have. Hung out with my handsome son. Even let him drive! I’m not sure why but the they turned out happy, healthy.. God knows I love them more than words can express.  
The minister came this afternoon and when she asked Ditty who I was he didn’t know.. Just kept saying thank you., later he told me I was the good driver lol. He was very feisty tonight and wouldn’t let my mom get him to bed until I got home.  I bootcamped at the J. Took demo class in their new outdoor playground. 

Tomorrow is Rave 8. Driving to Baltimore for 4 hours of Les Mills Classes taught by master instructors., well worth the solo drive. If only I could get to sleep. 

Red Letter Day

Once and a while the planets align and all goes right..today was one of those days. I started the day teaching Body Pump at 6am. 5 people showed which was 5 more than I thought. First time with teaching at the J so not used to set up and stereo on opposite side of room from set up which threw my timing off . Not my best class but not horrible.  Went to my gym after class to practice for CX..I think I have choreography down but timing of second track is off. Need to focus on tempo and keep coaching simple. And FINALLY after checking the website everyday for a week I am CXWORX certified!!!

Not going to lie..I am proud of myself. I set a goal, I trained and worked hard and my hard work paid off. Tomorrow I get to sub my first CX class.. Good timing!☺ I am so appreciative of all the help and support I received from my gym family. To make the day even better I got to train!!! After my hug from someone very proud of me I got to lift heavy shit and throw stuff. My own cross fit work out! 5×5 power cleans at 105lbs, rope pulls 5x, and 10 medicine ball wall throws x5… i cant even explain the switch that went off inside me..the joy I felt when I hit that first power clean..was drenched in sweat and sucking air and loved every minute of it!! Not done, however, took Body Combat and GRIT Strength …I think I was running on pure endorphins..The day wasn’t all about me because my proudest moment was finding out my smart, beautiful, hardworking daughter was approved to be a Rutgers Behavioral Assistant. So blessed to have two loving, hardworking, healthy children who make everything worthwhile.

“When you’ve been fighting all your life
You’ve been working day and night
That’s how a super hero learns to fly
Everyday, every hour turn the pain into power”
The Script

Life…….

Really don’t know how to top the above. It’s proven that people appreciate the things they work for far more than things they are handed. I started the day teaming for Body Pump at JCC and was so exhausted that I took a nap. Recharged then practiced CXWORX for hour and a half. Stretched then combatted and pumped again. Wasn’t going to do round two of Pump but just shadowed and had fun. That was followed by 5 min of jujitsu with my crazy friend. Felt so good to laugh and just be silly. Sounds like an awesome summer and that part is. It is my release. The other part is coming home yesterday to find my step dad on the floor and my mother in tears. She tried to take him to the bathroom. They were like that for two hours. Why…don’t know. I do know but wasn’t going to argue with her about the futility of it  so I put him back to bed and and stayed home the rest of the day. I scripted for CXWORX for my sub duty on Thursday and watched release over and over.

Tonight when I got home, Elisabeth told me about her conversation with Ditty. He told her that he though he was going to die in the next few days. It was a rare moment if lucidity. I feel badly for her. She is so sweet, patient and loving with him and is incredibly strong during this sad time.  Life is hard…a bitch, but I savor the small moments of joy and tell my kids I love them. I train hard, love harder and wait for those fleeting  moments of joy. Caffeine in the morning and wine at night. I was never a slut and rather be a bad ass bitch any day.

Cherish Everyday Beauty

Learning to find beauty everywhere and to cherish little things….
I am actually enjoying my summer “off”. It feels really good to recharge my history teacher battery. Of course I’m on full throttle trying to learn 2 news releases : Body Pump 94 and CXWORX 19.  Sometimes I ask myself self why am I  doing this … And my response is

that it makes me feel alive. Tonight, Ditty, my step dad, didn’t know who I was.He told  my mom to make sure to feed ” that girl” .. was so very sad. I wish I could do more. Even in that state he is still trying to care for us. I am trying to find beauty everywhere: I want to spread my wings so that I can fly on my own and soar.  It it a precarious  balance:: #strength, #mindfulness, #innerpeace. #Seekyourownmagic #alchemist  #feelalive

Not even sure where to start

Yes, I should be sleeping. Spent most of day doing just that. Came home after Les Mills launch at Eclipse, well after lunch, and vomited for hours and then slept most of this morning. Didn’t even work out that’s how lousy I felt. I was really disappointed in my coaching at launch but now I know that in addition to nerves I really wasn’t feeling well. Despite all of that it was really wonderful to be a part of it all. The people, the energy, the enthusiasm. Today I crashed, thankfully the vomiting ceased but then there was the blow out with my mom. I try so hard and I know she does too but caring for my step father takes such a toll on her. At the point where I am looking for apartments I can’t afford and couldn’t go to even if I could because I can’t leave her by herself. So instead of sleeping I am venting the most productive way I know and looking forward to getting back to the gym tomorrow.

Believe. Tomorrow is game on. Weeks of training and practice boil down to the taping of one 30 min class. Success or failure I own it. I am doing this for me. To see if I can. I worked for this moment 100% by myself. I spent countless hours in the gym alone..practicing choreography, rescripting, watching, listening to music and doing it over and over again. Like most things I did this alone. Really am a lone wolf.  Sometimes I wish I wasn’t. But I will believe I can. I will remember that a year ago I was anticipating my pump training and I achieved that. Tomorrow isn’t the end, if I suck I can retape. It’s the impatient person that I am who wants to get it over with tomorrow. So silly because I have endured far tougher things than this. Glad I wrote this because helped me process thoughts and prioritize. I will remember how far I’ve come and all I have endured. I will believe I can and savor it all the more when I finally succeed because I will know I earned it on my own merits.