Do What You Love, Love What You Do

I am very fortunate that I have a career I truly love. Being a public school teacher, an 8th grade teacher at that, is the most rewarding profession I could ever have. School starts in about a week and even after 24 years I’m still as nervous about the first day with my students as I was year 1. It takes me a while to learn all their names and sadly there will be some I will never know well. Difficult when you teach over 120 students.

I’ve gone in and set up my room and put in a lot of thought to how it will look to someone when they first walk in. I really want them to feel comfortable, inspired and motivated. I teach history and know that for many 13 year olds its not their thing, so I try hard to create an engaging classroom filled with books and activities that speak to them . There will be a few that tug my heart strings and for whom I wish I could take under my wing and nourish. Rarely is it the “perfect” student. More often than not it is the rebel..the one who pushes against the grain.

I am also fortunate to find something else that feeds my soul, inspires me, and impacts others in a profound way. Never imagined a few years ago I would become a group x instructor. It has given me a renewed purpose which effects both my performance in both the classroom and group x floor. I always worked well with students but group x forces my to relate to adults. My group x instructing forces me to train harder not just to look the part but so that I set an example about the benefits of becoming the strongest version of themselves. Tomorrow subbing two pump classes and will train in between. I’ll get to do what I love twice in the same day. Can’t get much better than that. Doing what I love, living, and satisfying my heart and soul.

Journey to Myself

What was found along the way…

I have learned many things about myself during this incredible journey to become physically, emotionally, and mentally healthier. It all began with the realization that life is to short to be unhappy all the time and if I wanted my life to be different, I was going to have to do things differently.. I was going to have to change. I have learned that I am stronger than I thought I was. I don’t mean physically stronger but emotionally stronger. I am capable of doing so much more than I thought I could.  Getting physically fitter is just the icing on the cake.

Tomorrow is the first day of  “my ” class! Exactly a year from my Body Pump initial training!! So ironic! I’ve prepped, rewatched master classes, scripted. Now just have to trust myself and breathe..😓

I still doubt myself and break down on weekly sometimes even daily basis. I just have to keep reminding myself that this is my journey.. Can’t compare myself to others, I can only do my best. Hopefully I will be a tool which allows others to grow stronger as they navigate their journey.

Better Than You Used To Be

“It’s not about being better than someone else, its about being better than you used to be.” I have to keep repeating that to myself. Along with just be yourself.. That is good enough; better to be authentic and real than fake and empty…The list is long.

I’m also learning that nothing will be handed to me and if I really want it, I have to go outside my comfort zone and ask for it ..or at least be proactive about getting it. I won’t be successful every time. But once in a while I will. ☺ Adding a new class to my teaching schedule! Another Thursday night class. Going to have to haul ass between Bridgewater and Green Brook in 30 minutes. But I want it so I will manage it. Turning ab class into a CXWORX class. It’s mine for now. Schedule may change but I’m grateful for the opportunity.

Yep, yep, Sunday begins my pump express and CXWORX combo☺☺ Words can not even describe how excited I am. Will miss my Sunday 3 hour class marathon and teaming for pump but Combat is taught before my class so I can do that first or lift after. This too I worked for. I pursued the opportunity and earned it on my own merit. 

Keep moving forward.👣👣👣✌👊

Do What Makes You Happy….Amen

Taught CX twice and in between I hit the beach. Sun, clouds, waves, ocean breezes..nothing better than that. It heals the mind, body, and soul. It’s the only place I can sit for hours and do nothing.

Even with sun burn.
Subbing tomorrow for my training mentor who is in Chicago at Les Mills One Live.. So jealous I can’t stand myself. Going to start saving for next summer with first school paycheck. Although I can’t even really make plans for this weekend..Sunday starts my classes at Bridgewater JCC.!! So excited and nervous! Just want to kick ass but know I have to plan and practice, practice, practice!! Waited a long time to have this opportunity and don’t want to fuck it up.

Yep..looking for the light and wonder. Want to move past the shadow of emptiness. One day I know I will find the thing that finally fills my soul. Not sure what it is but I know it is out there..somewhere..
..in  the mean time I live my life day by day doing the small things that make me happy.

The Choice is Mine

Queen of my Own  Life  Love this quote. I should make a poster of it and hang it over my bed so it’s the first thing I see when I wake up. Or in my case stare at it while I’m trying to fall asleep. 
We can not control the unexpected things that come our way:loss, sickness, betrayal, someone’s lack of interest. We only have control over how we react to those events. Not saying choice is easy. Sometimes it may take months, even years for someone to find the strength and courage to use those events to empower them instead of defeat them. 

I struggle every day. Somedays I struggle to get out of bed. Then I realize life is too short to wallow and that I have to much to be grateful for. I have my kids, my health, a roof over my head. a family who loves me , and a career that pays my bills. Meds also help. 

I did find the courage to take control of my life and no longer be a victim. And yes, my choice to be brave and live was possible because I had someplace to go but I also took on a whole realm of other responsibilities. My outlets of training everyday, instructing, my kids and my Daisy Loo provide me with my endorphin rush and love.. Enough to get me through. 

I did find the courage to be uncomfortable and go outside my comfort zone when I decided I wanted to instruct. At first I just wanted to see if a could pass training and assessment. It was a challenge. Then I wanted more. Want to become as powerful an instructor as my mentor even thought it is so outside my comfort zone. I don’t want to sound like him because that is not me but I want to create my own voice which is as equally powerful. Absolutely fucking awesome to be able to recreate oneself at any age. Not to become someone else but to dig deep inside yourself to find gifts you didn’t know you had. 

Looks are deceiving. No one would ever know some of the things I’ve endured or guess my greatest sins but those events shaped me. Some of those were beyond my control, some a product of ignorance and insecurity. It has taken my middle age self to finally discover and embrace the fact that I am the Queen of my own life. Courage, humor and grace are some of the tools that sustain me through this journey. Just as important is the support of my friends that have my back. Friends who push, encourage, motivate and love me. 

I spent training session trying to power clean 125lbs. Didn’t succeed. I’m ok with that. Not saying I’m not disappointed but can’t PR every time I train. I did hit last PR. What matters is that when I felt like throwing in the towel there was someone who kept encouraging me to try. Even Queens need a support system. My choice is to be even more determined to hit it next time! 

Gypsy Soul

Wild…Free..untamed
I am learning not to apologize for who I am..I do have a gypsy soul..restless and wild. And a warrior spirit..I will not be defeated!.

Everyone has demons they battle. Some are visible and loud. Some whisper softly so only you can hear. But demons are demons. They try and wear you down; to defeat you. Mine shout and have been with me for as long I can remember. Yes, they have taken different forms over the years, but all have stollen peaceful nights of sleep, and some have stopped me in my tracks in daylight. Some are real, the father who punches holes in walls and pushes your mother down a fight of stairs in a drunken stupor, some are vivid dreams that awaken you in the middle of the night screaming drenched in sweat. 

Despite all of that, my gypsy heart and wild spirit yearn for adventure and experiences that awaken my senses. I have given up my safe predictable life for one that wears my heart on my sleeve. I would rather feel everything intensely than feel nothing at all. That is living rather than existing.  That is what I became: an empty shell of a person who felt nothing. That scared me ! So I give of myself intensely, I love wholeheartedly expecting nothing in return because it means I can still feel.

I long for the extraordinary, the magical. I uprooted my children because of it. I gave all I had for them and don’t regret a thing but now I want more. I won’t go on dating websites. Not me and my luck it will be a serial killer who shows interest. Honestly, already found the thing  makes my heart skip a beat, alive.

Being on the gym floor lifting heavy ass shit does that! Instructing does that! Loving my kids  and watching them interact with each other with love and protection does that.. Training always does that. Hanging with certain people does that. Those moments of glory get me through all of those other moments. 

Wish I felt glorious all the time but don’t so when those moments come my wild gypsy heart bursts with appreciation, gratitude, and love. Those moments always happen when I train.. So going to shore tomorrow for the day by myself then training, combatting and GRIT Strengthing!

The Universe in Motion

Untamed oceans, wild rivers, waves of sunshine and unrelenting rains..I am a work in progress; Messy, untamed, emotional, insecure, loyal to a fault. All of that is me. Even if you think you know me, you don’t. Because I don’t even know myself. When I look inside there is constant chaos in a Universe in motion. Clouds with no firm edges constantly shape shifting, stars contracting and expanding and endless space..black space. Sunshine, rain, mountains, oceans, rivers, I want to feel it all, become one with it all.

Using My Wings

Fly baby fly

It’s amazing how things come to you when you contentiously try to let go of what holds you back. I give wholeheartly to those I care about but have to remember not to give myself away. Have so little of my heart left that I need to focus on the important things.. My family, becoming a better group X instructor, training and teaching. The last encompasses all the others. Only I can achieve the things I that are important to me. No one can do it for me. I can only find what I’m searching for within me.
Had a little heart to heart with myself today. The moment I stopped thinking about others and realized that only I can complete myself and achieve my goals 2 subbing opportunities and next Sunday I begin my own classes. Karma baby!!!! A powerful thing! I hate to admit it but more excited about that than Sept 9th when bill paying job starts.

But going go to go in one day this week and set up and organize,:not my style to go in unprepared and I know I will love my kids and I do love teaching: Just need to distance myself from bullshit. Going to beach one day this week too!! Going all in! Life to short to do anything else!!!!!

This summer is all about using my wings! Going to embrace them, trust them and see where they take me. Dinner tomorrow with friends, subbing Tuesday night and teaching again Friday night. Hopefully fit in a training session before Thursday.

Reminding myself that I can’t have a healthy relationship with anyone until i’m ok with myself. No one wants to be with someone who is insecure and needy. Still a work in progress! But I am learning to spread my wings. Kind of like caterpillar who eolves into a butterfly!

Dead Lifts, Chest Press, and Power Cleans

Girl’s best friend 

 You know you are a dedicated die hard when your training partner tells you to warm up without him and you do. 3 sets: 3 laps, walking lunges with 25lbs plate overhead and deep squats.. He walks in and you are already covered in sweat and out of breath. Yes, I am trained well. Then the fun began!!

Ironman circuit. Deadlifts, chest presses and power cleans . Laddered up from 1 to 10 reps.  No words to describe how smashed and fantastic I felt at the same time. Did discover need to work on triceps strength and chest press. Always a work in progress and that’s ok. Just gives me something else to work on. 

Then Body Pump time💪💪Tempo off a little but felt comfortable in coaching. Much better than I was months ago. Again work in progress and room for improvement but I feel like I am getting more confident and more relaxed. My goal is always to have participants get a good, safe workout and feel good about themselves when they finish. That they worked hard and owed it! Love when I get to team because feefback so important in learning process. Plus it’s just so much fun to lift weight, sweat and laugh with a friend😊

Tenacity and Training with Lions

Beast Mode.. Hear Me Roar  Instruct, train , eat, sleep, instruct and train some more; This has been my summer. Did I mention the sleep part? Not easily come by at night but wow how I have learned to nap💤💤

That was certainly my day today. Instructed CXWORx this morning, then back and chest work. Wide rows, regular rows and chest press. Up to 85lbs on chest press. Flipping Spartan race debacle fucked up wrist  but finally able to get back on track. Goal is to add 5lbs every week to press. Home, ate, napped and prepped for night ab class. Made it a hybrid of Cx and Body Pump core tracks. Warm up messy but got my footing and ended strong. 

Did I mention I squatted before night ab class? Not suppose to lift heavy after exhausting core lol so squatted first. Focussed more on technique and getting low rather than maxing weight. After abs did a two mile run. Training like a beast! Like a lion! ROAR!! Makes me feel so alive when heart beating out of my chest!!

Tomorrow is training time with best trainer, friend ever! The hour of my week I look forward to every week! Hope I didn’t over do it today because I will feel his wrath tomorrow! Resting up, ate healthy and hydrating. Training with ultimate Alfa lion tomorrow. Every session like a giant wrapped present!! The anticipation of the session and fact that every session is different is like Christmas every week! Can’t wait to unwrap it and see what the gift holds!!🎁

Crazy how I plan my day and life in a whole new way. This summer has been devoted to the gym, fitness and my mental health. The gym has help me keep my sanity from what is going on at home. My home gym is like a home and it amazes me how I can stay there for hours and only feels like I’ve been there for minutes. Not sure what I am going to do when school starts. Except I really need a real paycheck lol!!

Going to offer to teach a core class to school staff. One of assistant principals ran a fitness class after school so should be a go. Will let me practice instructing to live audience so I can sharpen my coaching.  

Wish I could be a lion in every aspect of my life. Love the cool, predatory nature of big cats. I admire their grace, speed, and agility. To be a lion you must train with lions and I do; I train  with the most bad ass lion I know💪💪👊