Taking my Beast! #mymind

Spent morning still feeling sorry for myself. Managed to make it through Body Combat, Grit strength and teach part of Cx this morning. But again instead of enjoying the moment, I let my mind rule instead of the heart.

Did go home and eat. Drank lots of water. Know I need to consume more nutrient dense foods and drink more water in order to stave off fatigue.  But not hungry and plain water bores me. 

Went to JCC pool.  Sun is my ultimate vice. Tried to chill and rest but couldn’t. Sun did feel good though. 

Went to Eclipse to practice Pump playlist. Was ok for class. Taught tracks I haven’t in a long time so not best class. But I went outside my comfort zone. Felt good to deviate from same safe stuff. Should be better for tomorrow night. 

Grit cardio ok and lots of people for CXWORX.  Yes, I am my own worst enemy. My mind continuously churning. Perseverating on nonsense. 

If I could only train my mind as well as I can train my body. 

Acceptance

Trying so hard to live in the moment. To appreciate all I have, which is an abundance.. good physical health; healthy, decent children; a secure job; a roof over my head; wonderful friends who come to my rescue on a moments notice; and found something I truly have a passion for. Yet not enough.  Wish it was. I know part of it chemical, but doesn’t make it better or easier. 
It’s a never ending battle in my head. Fighting the worthlessness I feel. The never being good enough. Doesn’t matter what other people say; doesn’t change what goes on in  my head. 

I had a really wonderful weekend with someone I thought I was going to lose. She is a fighter. She fights everyday and her life is irrevocably changed. Yet she continues to fight. I have no reason to feel sorry for myself. I have not fought her battle. 

Yet I completely wasted a training session because I let my jealousy and inferiority complex get in the way. Let my ego get in the way instead of being present and acting like I chose the moment. So angry at the person helping me because my ego is hurt instead of living in the moment.  

And mostly I’m afraid I’m really beginning to not like the person I’ve held up as my role model my whole life. I know how hard her life has been, but I’m beginning to realize that she isn’t what I built her up to be. I don’t deny her being human, and angry at myself for not realizing her weakness. I’ve always had such anger towards my father for his drinking , but knowing my mom has been living the same way for probably most of my life is heart wrenching. More so is the fact that I think I’m evolving into the same.  Don’t want my children to feel about me how I’m  starting to feel about her. 

So I felt sorry for myself and cried all the way home. Still crying but going to make a monumentous effort to live n the moment tomorrow. To be present. To act as if I chose it. 

Staying Deep

My truth does scare the hell out of someone because I call it as I see it and force them to look at themselves in ways they don’t want to. I know who I am and am honest about my weaknesses and insecurities. Always real.

Battles Never End but I Keep Fighting

Managed to go to Sanibel Island with kids for a few days to go to a dear friend’s wedding. Weather was great and loved spending time with kids. Have been crazy busy since I got home. Covering lots of classes as well as teaching my own. 

Never thought I’d be teaching this much! Averaging 3-4 classes a day. A year ago I was only teaching 2. Crazy how much life can change. Wonderful, how when you work really hard for something and then it comes to fruition! The asthetics just an afterthought . Just wish the rest of life would be as cut and dry. Home not easy and so very difficult for my kids. They sacrificed a lot so that I could be free. Breaks my heart how unhappy they are living here. Mom threw her back out after coming home from visit to my brother. Came home and decided she needed to rearrange the furniture and repaint the dining room 😞.  Then continues to do things she shouldn’t 😫. And wont go to dr. Yet she can’t sleep or get up by herself after laying down. Screams in pain when she tries to get up. 

Suppose to visit a dear dear friend this weekend. She underwent major surgery about 15 months ago for pancreatic cancer. Haven’t seen her since right after surgery. Now not sure I can go. Going to try to get my mom to make doctor appointment in morning😩 but battle to do so real. She has a very real doctor phobia. Afraid they will find find something seriously wrong. Difficult keeping my patience with her. I love her so much and it pains me to see her this way yet I have so little patience. 

But yet I battle on. Fight and perserveer. Watching a dear  friend realize his dream this week and it gives me hope. Couldn’t be any happier for him. He is the epitome of hard work, determination and dedication to craft. Motivation to keep fighting and doing.  One of a handful of people who most significantly impacted my life in the best way possible. There really are no words to describe what his friendship means to me. He continues to train me every week. To find the time in his busy schedule to help be become stronger, fitter and more fiercec; enabling me to face my daily obstacles and challenges. 

I will continue to fight for my peace of mind, my overall mental health and my children’s happiness every single day. The best way to help them is to live by example. To do, not just say. To fight every damn day 🙌👊🏻💪