Krazy Kona

$200 vet bil and don’t care. Left work early to bring her to the vet because Michael saw blood in her urine. He freaked and texted me right away. He can’t deal with messes. 

Probably a urinary track infection; hopefully just that. It amazes me how spunky and loving she is. When tired she likes to snuggle up under my neck and purrs. She trusts me to care for her. Daisy loves her already. 
I know to some it seems crazy how healing and beneficial the love of a pet is but it is. The unconditional love of something so dependent on you taps into an emotion you never thought possible. 

So Nice

So nice to be appreciated for my hard work. I don’t do this for the accolades. Truely rewarding to help others become fitter, stronger physically and mentally. But not going to lie. When your boss goes out of her way to show her appreciation of your work and efforts, it fuels me to do more. Most rewarding is knowing I play a small part in bringing  2 new programs to the facility. Have to wait until the fall but worth the wait. 

Journey

Tonight I taught HIIT cycle aka SPRINT for the first time. It was an amazing experience. I was nervous and went out to hard in warmup and thought I would lose my breath. Brought in back down and kept going. My coaching needs work; at least the spacing of my cues. Need to get off and on bike for smoothly when floor coaching  too. I had the handle bars in to close so my knees kept hitting them when in standing run.  But over all not bad for a first go. 
Sadly no one to share this with except myself.  Oh well.. 2 GRITs and 2 CXWORX classes tomorrow.

All Kinds of Crazy

Yeah, so not there yet. It’s not for lack of courage. Honestly don’t know how to so instead I’m a hot mess on a bad day,or in the case of this week, a simmering volcano ready to explode. 
When in the midst of my pity party, I can do nothing right and the forces of nature are against me. On Saturday, on the way home with my son and his girlfriend, a women, obviously not paying attention, hit me as I was attempting to turn right at jug handle. She was in the left hand lane to make s left hand turn.  Still don’t know how she didn’t see me or what she was attempting to do. No real damage because we both were stopped until she attempted to turn into me. Just amazed at ridiculousness of senerio. Then on Tuesday, right as I was beginning first of four classes of the night I discovered my iPod was fried. Dead.  Thankfully,  another instructor taking my class let me use his music. Threw me off because not planned. I knew my coaching plan, however, so I made it work but not way I wanted to conduct a class. The largest by far in terms of turn out for my HITT format. Don’t want to leave a bad impression on those people who were new . 

Then Karma struck. Was a little to happy to hear my mom going to Georgia to visit my brother’s for ten days this summer.  Did a little happy dance in car that morning. Was a little too happy. So here is the Karma. When I went to get my new iPod, it wasn’t in gym bag where I know I put it. I had downloaded all my music the night before and made a new playlist for Pump and CX. I methodically cleaned up and packed my gym bag. I know I put my iPod in the bag. When I couldn’t find it in the bag, I went home and took my room apart. I emptied my bag. Search for 50 minutes. Still nothing. So I grabbed my labtop. Participants wouldn’t be able to hear music playing but I could so I could still teach class, but not optimal conditions. It’s what I used Tuesday for backup. The karma took place when I arrived at Scotch Plains. After acknowledging my petty,  celebratory behavior and apologizing and promising to be more patient and kind it struck. When I opened the back door to get my bag, my iPod was sitting right on top. FREAKY!! Now the realist in me knows it must have fallen into seat and dislodged at some point when I braked. Even if the later true, still freaky. Karma.

There is more. My petty, jealous, insecure nature reared its ugly head. To my defense I haven’t slept through the night all week and in throws of hormonal PMS overload. Woke in the middle of night all week because of night sweats and had to change clothes. Sheets drenched. My real anger,however,  stems from fact that aside from lack of sleep and hormone imbalance is that I’ve been killing myself in the gym but will never achieve those “results” I want. 

More so, I need to deal with my own demons. They are deep seated and at times overwhelming. My lack of self worth and insecurity can not rule my life. But it does. Pinterest quotes and 3 hour exercise sessions are not the cure. Know some type of therapy needed. Not having the time for it is just an excuse.  But I’ve been here before and honestly I know where behavior stems from and don’t feel like talking about will help. I’ve done it.  It hasn’t yet. I also know that a lot of this is hormonally driven. Biggest period of crazy comes the week of my period. And I ran out of my meds and didn’t take them for two days. That has been remedied and peace made with person I took this all out on. I still hold firm to my reasons for original disapproval but acknowledged that my feeling are driven in part by my insecurity, feelings of inadequacy and jealousy. Feeling what I do is never enough. Never good enough. Will never receive the same accolades and praise. But I have to let it go. Realize that I can not compete with anyone other than myself. But that being said, I can hold my own on the gym floor. I can out do more than most people half my age. Realize that I am strong, fit and athletic. Feel a sense of accomplishment in all I have achieved. Yes I need to find a way to release my demons and not let them control me. Just don’t know how to let them go.