Create Don’t Settle

 Outside the BoxI am working every day to create a stronger, happier, better version of me. The process is two years in the making and not any easier or comfortable. Sometimes the physical challenges are easier than the mental ones. Would much rather be sweating on the gym floor then cracking a book. Think I forgot how to study too. That all said I am following this through. To see what I’m made of, what I’m capable of. To see if passion and desire alone are enough to sustain and motivate me in this quest. As long as we have the ability to chose who we are, what we want to become at any time in our life we ore it to ourselves to go for it. Challenge, live, risk, live, love..

Just Living Life

Being Brave Even When it Hurts  
Most people would say TGIF and in theory I too am glad it’s Friday. Do get to sleep in tomorrow morning. It just was a long day. It was National History Day for my honors students. They have been preparing since October and today was the big day. Had already graded their process papers and annotated bibliographies. Spent this morning grading their exhibits. Then grades all my classes illuminated initials and then their  Early Middle Ages tests. Brain exhausted by end of school day. Updated bullitin board too.  As crazy as it was, the day passed quickly and it ended with me being invited to see some of my students perform in their French play.  It’s those moments that make everything I do in the classroom worthwhile. Why I still loving teaching after 24 years. 

I was able to cat nap when I got home. Asked to help out with a class which really meant can you teach the whole thing. Love teaching and never mind covering; just wish the request was more upfront. He knows I would cover regardless of reason so don’t know why the dance has to occur. Yes, he knows how to play me because when the realization hits, he defuses me like only he can. Almost comical because we literally spar with me ending up on the floor laughing. It seems crazy to any one but us. For us, it is how we communicate; calling  each other out, sparring, accepting one another as we are.  

Yikes!! So crazy how complicated emotions make life complicated. Still I will bravely march on. To live my life as it is, not in the hypothetical. My reality is advising my 21 year old to drink responsibly as she left for the night. My reality is supporting her when she offered to buy her 16 year old brother condoms when he goes over his girlfriend’s  house for the first time. Thankfully he said they weren’t needed. Not yet. Really some nights there is not enough wine. Oh my; living life as it is not in the ideal, or the romanticized fiction.. But as it is, 

Things as they Are

 Damn Feelings  
Feelings are a tricky thing. Just when you think you have them under control, they come back around and remind you of how empty you are. No amount of busy really fills the void or completely dulls the ache of missing the one person you want to see. As much as your brain understands the reality of how things really are, your heart has a mind of its own. 

Got My GRIT on Tonight

#notimeforaverage  Tonight was by far my best GRIT class. Finally found the music tonight. Felt so good to get it all together; choreo, music cues and floor coaching. It was far, far from perfect but I felt good about the outcome. There was flow throughout the entire 30 minutes. Still need to work on floor coaching and talking less. But I do feel a sense of achievement. 

Need Some Work

A Long List  The only two things on this list I’m ok with are #s 3, 10, and 11. Yikes!! Funny because I truly thought myself to be mentally strong. Always the last to give in or giveup; My 24 year marriage and childhood are testaments of that. But maybe should have let go of the marriage years before I did and free myself of childhood baggage as well. 
This whole journey had been eye opening. 

I reslized  many things I was oblivious to before because I saw them through someone else’s eyes. I always knew my mom was damaged by her abandonment and youth. I also know that her marriage to my father was awful. I give her so much credit for being able to survive both. I wouldn’t be who I am without her.  I love her more than words can express. I also know what Ditty meant to her. How much he loved her and how his love saved her. It was pure, gentle and accepting. 

But The last 2 years have also opened my eyes to certain truths I was blind to before. My mother’s drinking is not new. It’s been going on for years, decades even. Her wounded soul needs constant attention because she had been so rejected; by her mom, her husband, her business partner and now Ditty’s death. I know she doesn’t mean to wound when she is judgmental and critical;utsjusfvghaf she knows I other way to express herself . 

I also realize I have been the adult taking care of her since I was a child. I was the “perfect” child. Casebook psych study. Youngest child of 3, only daughter, alcoholic father.. Our whole family is a case study in dysfunction before term ever coined. I was the child who at age 10 and sick with the flu had to deal with my father on a binge after being AWOL from merchant ship he was working on and had to scrounge together taxi fare because he was shitfaced and broke. My mom was attending his niece’s wedding. That same night I witnessed him almost fistfighting my uncle and then later tripped over his passed out body as I was running to bathroom to puke.. I consoled her after his drunken rages and finally at the age of 18, when working for a municipal court, convinced her to talk to a lawyer about a divorce. He was the sitting judge in court I worked in. 

That same summer, the day after my 20th birthday, she met Ditty and my father moved to Florida. Karma?? She was finally loved unconditionally and my dad is sick, old and alone. 

My dad was a horrible father and husband. Even when he got sober, he was still horrible. His behavior is beyond his control. I know that now. I understand it much better. He is s sick person. His own childhood and mental issues are things beyond his control. The years of alcohol abuse compounded everything 100x. Me climbing out my bedroom window as  a means to escape the all out blow out my salvation.  Took years for my mom to realize why there was s bench under my window. I told her it was so my cat could jump back into my room. 

Both my parents were time bombs whose upbringings, wounds, and mental instabilities were the worst toxic combination one could ever imagine. They did nothing but hurt each other and sadly their children as well. P

I am the one who is left to pick up their broken pieces then and now. I don’t blame my brothers if feel ill towards them. A drunken, violent father was all they ever knee until they were adults,  I, however, was the adult way before my time. I am still doing it : decades later. The hardest part for me is the toll this is taking on my kids. How I stayed in an unsatisfying and unsupportive marriage years longer than I should have because I refused to admitt defeat is proof of my dysfunction because sometimes you have to admitt defeat early then move on. 

So today, two years after I walked out on my marriage, 3 months after Ditty’s passing I am doing everything I can to make sure the dysfunction of my family doesn’t screw up my kids. Acknowledging my mother’s weaknesses, trying not to felt guilty about not doing more for my father, and most of all trying to be me. A healthy, balanced me. 

Me. All of me faults, weaknesses and all. Being ok compartmenalizing my life. Allowing myself to do what is right for me even if it means not giving 100% of myself to someone else. I will always try to do what is right. That is just who I am but I know life is short. To short. Learning to let go of guilt over what I “shoukd” do. But don’t. Instead I go to the gym. I exert myself physically as hard as I can. I teach all day and look forward to my group X classes. My goal is to overcome the rest of the mentally strong list. Baby steps. One at a time. Sometimes it’s one step forward and two steps back but it doesn’t matter. I’ll keep pushing and going. Setting new goals because that is what makes me felt alive., living my life one badass, achieving goal after the other.?

Inexplicable Connections

 Quiet Synchronicity Had such an awesome day. I was focused and calm; until I got lost: then I cried.  Then let it go. Finally really feeling better physically so went to Body Combat before my class. My split jumps took air! It also helped to clear my sinuses lol. 

Then I taught my class  Changed playlist and it was exciting instead of scary. Went back to my release which I thought I would never do again because I practiced it so much. The funny thing is that I looked at it with new eyes and ears. I understand the layering of choreography and the music so much more now that I was able to nail it. Nothing like hitting the combo on the right beat!! 

Also learned two bonus tracks for CX. They went well. Focused on body part direction and timing . Everyone really like bonus track 3. Very challenging!! 

Then I went to train but road closed and drove in circles for an hour 😩😩. Finally made it but felt really bad for making C wait. Of course when I finally got there;  no worries. Just another reason why I love my new Sunday schedule. Training it self AWESOME!! #legs #squats #squatthrusts

One Day

 Being at peace with your demons One day soon, I hope. To be fully at peace. Have had fleeting glimpse of what that peace may be like the last couple of weeks. It’s a beautiful thing when you can inhale slowly and feel that calming, peaceful warmth float through your body. 
Learning new tracks has become a whole new experience. Instead of being afraid I can’t learn or remember a track, it feels like Christmas being able to go through old release to make a playlist. See older tracks with new eyes and ears now that I understand choreo and timing. 

Killed workout today since I rested Wednesday and Friday. Finally feeling healthy. Crushed shoulders and ran. Last mile was done in 30 sec sprints. Trying to improve cardio endurance.

Class tomorrow morning and then training. Looked forward to that all week! Just like Christmas because I never know what session will consist of. But always ass kicking!!!

Tired of Being Sick

A cold isn’t going to get me down  

 Took a rest day. M Fing cold took me out. So aggravating because had been on a strong antibiotic for 2 weeks for ear and sinus infection. What scares me even more is the fact I’ve taken 2 swigs of NyQuil and drank 2 glasses of wine and I’m still awake. Teaching 3 group X classes tomorrow. CXWORX at 6am then pump at 4:15 and CXWORKS at 5pm.  Teaching 115 thirteen year olds in between. 😉
 Doing my super changes from gym clothes to work clothes and back. Does make me feel like a bad ass! 

Making Progress

Chasing What I Love  Totally different week than last. Last week was a test of my morality and fortitude. This week was relatively easy. Knock on wood and fingers crossed😁 no moral dilemma or life decision to be made. All my classes went well. Still need to work on GRI,  but on point with pump and Cx. Best yet, got to team for pump with my favorite trainer yesterday. Used smart bar and plates tonight. I was really afraid things would change but I’ve learned that I can stand on my own two feet and I’m ok. But still feels so good to know I’m missed and loved. 
I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Baby steps. This week was light and airy. Not sure if it’s the meds working, the moon cycle, or the planets aligning. Not going to question, but instead it cherish it. Going to meet group X manager at RWJ in Scotch Plains tomorrow. On my own, just me. Just looking to get on sub list but you never know😉

 

A Week of Testing My Morals and Fortitude

Didn’t Run and Hide  Wow, what a week! Ear and sinus infection, first GRIT class of my own, oversleeping Thursday morning and backing into parked car today. As aweful as that all sounds, all these setbacks allowed me to grow. My reactions to these situation was different, more productive then the past. Before I would have run and hid. Closed myself off and hibernated. Avoided people to avoid shame and embarrassment. This week j immediately owned up to my mistakes and took responsibility. Of course there are still repercussions but I did not become overwhelmed and debilitated by guilt and I was able to let go and move on. 

Felt good about Body Pump and trained insane. CXWORX AIM 1 ready, at least as ready as I’ll ever be💪