Hurricane

2am and yep, I’m up. Not unusual for me. I never sleep more than 2-3 hours straight. Woke up because drenched in sweat. Clothes, sheets, pillow: damn hormones! 
The sound of the rain outside soothing. Steady rythem. Rain from a tropical storm. Drenching rain. Just like me. Stormy, raining. Moods ebb and flow. High and low. Within same day; sometimes within the hour. Really too much for anyone to handle on a daily basis. Too much emotion even though to some it seems like I have none. 

Keeping tally of all the positives vs negatives. Positives far outweigh negatives. Children great: healthy, happy, in love, going great academically. I’m healthy. Found my calling and getting better at it everyday. Never imagined this time last year I’d be verified in 3 formats almost 4 and instructing/ coaching as much as I am. Picking up a HIIT cycle class next week and a bootcamp class once school out for summer.

Training going great. Push pressed 100lbs to day. 6 rounds of Super sets of 3 push presses and 6 body weight reverse rows. 6 rounds 15-14 lbs ball slams and 10 box jumps. 3 rounds of 30 sec ball slams, push-ups and half court walking lunges with 45lbs plate over head. Just as grueling on Thursday. Doubled up this week because I missed last week because of SPRINT training. Shoulders rocking💪

And then there is this  

OMG🐶🐱❤️😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍Just no words. Something less than a pound can bring such joy and love. Amazing to see how strong and brave she is growing everyday. I can watch her all day! She cracks me up with her antics and exhausts the dogs. Both Max and Daisy awesome. They are being loving and relatively gentle with her as she bites their legs and try’s to scale up them. A true baby, Kona eats, sleeps, poops, and plays. When she sleeps she likes to nuzzle and snuggle under my neck and purrs😍😍
Positives  far out weigh negatives..They are the same ones so not mentioning them. Yet a storm still rages on inside me. Shifting winds and heavy rain. A hurricane too much for most to handle. 

The Healing Power of Love

Love is such a powerful thing. It’s ability to heal all wounds is amazing. The power that a 12 ounce kitten has to heal me really has no words. Her back paws are too big for her tiny body. But it doesn’t stop her. She is Sassy!! We all have a deap seated need to be needed. And she needs me. She purred this morning and I knew she bonded with me. Daisy is not sure what to make of her. 
A natural chicken at heart, my Daisy Loo doesn’t have a mean bone in her body and my princess always. She just doesn’t know what to make of this tiny fur ball with big eyes. Kitten wants to play but Daisy skittish of everything.  Yet part of her wants to engage with this tiny thing. I know they will love each other. Both of them just want to be loved and there is enough love for both of them. 

So crazy, because the one it helps heal is me. Takes my focus off what I can’t have. What I wish I had but don’t. Being needed by these beautiful four legged creatures gives me a sense of peace. 

Even more is the joy and love I see on the face of my 17 year old son. My man child. My introverted man-child. One who shows so little emotion. He melted when he saw her. Never saw anything do tiny. The look on his face priceless when I told him the kitten was his. New I made the right decision taking such a risk. This tiny kitten amplified my loving son’s innate nature to love and nurture. A beautiful thing 😍😍😀

In My Case Getting Out of My Head

Trying to get out of my head!Yes, I am my own worst enemy. Getting out of my own way always my biggest challange! Trying to overcome decades of insecurity and doubts is an exhausting challenge. One I face everyday. The effort to not compare myself with others, to overcome my jealous nature is an exhausting everyday challange. I need multiple daily reminders to focus on my journey, my progress. Reinforcement to remind myself how far I’ve come in my journey. Reminders to not only to not be petty and jealous but to also remind myself that I really don’t know or understand the journey of others either and to appreciate and celebrate their efforts. What looks easy on the outside may be a struggle for them. 
This weekend I’m facing one of my most difficult fitness challenges I’ve embarked on. Tomorrow night I head down to Baltimore for two days of Les Mills SPRINT training. Taking a HUGE risk by embarking  on a format that no one in my fitness circle has yet try.

Terrifying😩🙄🙄and exhilarating at the same time. Trusting only me is s terrifying prospect. For every other fitnes and certification challenge I’ve been able to prep with my amazing trainer/friend. But for this I’m taking on something he can’t help me with. For this, I just have to trust myself.. Mind and body. I know my track. Four blocks. 2 strength, 3 power. Heavy resistance.. Standing, hips, knees, ankles in line, push, pull. Heavy load. Standing for 30 seconds; 10 second sprint. 2 Rounds of power. Medium- heavy resistance. 35 seconds sitting, 5 second standing sprint. 

My challenge is not in the physical aspects, but in the psychological aspects. My body;thick, strong legs are designed for this format, I need to trust myself: body, mind, and spirit that I Can accomplish this on my own, me, just me. I am capable. I am strong. I am enough. Yes, I need to get out of my head.

Who Am I?

Honestly not a clue. 
..reaching for goals that are truely ridiculous for someone my age.. Still something inside pushing me to achieve the impossible. 

The first never going to happen. But the second propels and sustains me. At least for the movement. Until the emptiness returns and I have to find a new goal. 

Having said that, SPRINT training next weekend. First goal fitness/instructor goal truely had to achieve on my own.  I’m good with choreo and compulsory info. Just hoping I can sustain cardio fitness and actually speak while I cycle 😬. 

Still not sure who I want to be.. Mom, teacher, group X instructor, all, nothing???

Sadly, nothing fills the empty space. No matter the goal, success, or accomplishment. At the end of the day, it’s just me. Alone. Fighting windmills in order to find some inner peace that just doesn’t exist. 

So at the end of the day, I really don’t know who I am.. Just lost and drifting towards any glimmer of sunlight that helps to sooth and nourish the helpless. 

Mom.. Bad Ass Mother Fucker

I love this meme!! Today, this was me. 
I went to the Les Mills Philadrlphia Super Quarterly. Truely an energizing experience. Only took 4 of 6 programs I registered for because crushed after first 3. 

Body Pump 98 is awesome! Epitomizes every reason I fell in love with the program. Heavy weight on a bar, quick changes and fast tempo. Not in love with the musical selection but it does drive the the workout 💪

GRIT Plyo was an intense workout. Coaching wasn’t the best because I really don’t know what format track 2 was. Lots of fast transitions. Did like the track 5 Burpee beep challange. 

The true testament to how far I have grown is how I was able to not panic, for the most  part, when I stupidly misplaced my phone in someone else’s Reebok bag during GRIT Plyo. The old me would have shut off and spent the afternoon in tears or have left immediately. Instead I panicked for 15 minutes and then decided to enjoy and get the most out of why I was there: to push myself to next level, enjoy the adrenaline rush and trust that someone would turn my phone in. Not going to lie, I checked with registration table in between each of my classes to see if someone turned in my phone. 

The true testament of my growth is how I advocated for myself. How I went up to master presenters during CXWORX to ask them make an announcement about my phone. The old me would have just left and gone to closest Verizon store to claim a lost phone and spend hundreds of dollars for a new one.   

But instead I was able to shelf all of that and to make conscience decision to enjoy and get most of classes I registered for. Huge progression! So glad I did! 

The fact that I didn’t shut down and leave after misplacing my phone is huge.  I really employed all I know about Les Mills philosophy and channeled some Body Pump essence to center myself. 

There are no words to express all that I have gained and learned from this program., Equally as important is the person who motivates and inspires me. 

This fitness stuff was never in my plan, and although he laughs at this, I truly believe fate brought us together when we needed each other most. I do believe I inspire him to be the best, strongest version of himself just as he does me. Just in a different way. 

Last session I participated I was SPRINT4. HIIT on a bike. Reaffirmed my impulsive decision to train for program. 30 minutes of high intensity trading on a bike. Like lifting, something my body was designed for. Heavy loads, fast sprints for short durations of time. Between that and Body Pump 98, I never sweat so much. 

Trading for SPRINT is scary. No one to go to help prep. On my own for this one. Yet, I’m ok with the challenge. Again, huge testament to my personal growth. 

Yes, I am a raging sea!

Next two weeks will be epic! Going to Les Mills Philadelphia Super Quarterly tomorrow and just got my track assignments for SPRINT. Going to focus on most immediate needs first while immersing myself in SPRINT. Yes, always living life on the edge of my comfort zone. 
Lots Of GRIT this week which is ironic because my weakest format. Next week for pump heavy. Teaching it at least three times for now. And yes, no better feeling than having a heavy bar in your hands 🙌🏋💪

Oh What a Morning

Yes, she was shaking her head at me today. Let me preface that I woke up on time, 5am, and got to the gym on time. My morning class good. It was from 6:50am-7:30am that was a trifecta of WTF. First I spill coffee all over myself in the car. Then my validated parking ticket wouldn’t get accepted at parking deck machine. Had to intercom NBPA so they could come and let me out of deck. Almost in tears at that point and curt to person in other end of intercom the second time I called. At this point can still get to school on time. But wait. There is an accident on Easton Ave. Finally get to school, 10 min late. Yes, still PARCC testing. Almost gave testing partner a heart attack; thought he may actually have to log in and get kids started. Did I mention I was paged, and entire main office waiting for me to show up. My phone was in my bag in back seat so I couldn’t call. If not for 30 parents dropping off kids, I would have been there 5 min sooner. 

On the plus side, testing went off without a hitch. We won our first track meet and I taught 3 more classes with positive feedback even though I was exhausted and my core crushed. 

Think u might actually take a rest day tomorrow do that I can enjoy and kick ass at quarterly on Sat. 

Chose

Productive day for most part. Diligent daughter. Errands, chores, dog grooming.  Love my dog. Love my kids more❤️

Looks so pretty. So sweet. Love spending time with her. 

Happiest though time at the gym. Tired at first. Pushed my self through walking lunges and then front squated. Won’t be intimidated by muscle heads who try to stare me down . And yes, My front squat is more than your back squat. If I have to wait my turn, so do you. Now trying to relax but as you can see, I can’t. So processing instead. Most of classes this week were great. Wasn’t my best pump class last night but covered it well. Made people smile during really difficult tracks and asked by someone what else and when I taught. Said I was a great instructor. Not going to my head. Yes, it feels good, but more important is the fact that someone was motivated and worked hard.  Then GRIT.. On the fly., knew most of tracks but still need to prep..  

Taught lots of classes the last three weeks. Lots on deck this week. Regular pump/CX combo tomorrow and pump at 6am at the J Monday. 

The crazy thing is that I’m still faking it. I have to make a conscious effort everyday to get out of bed and embrace my journey. My fighting spirit must over rule my mind and body. They would rather stay in bed with the covers over my head. 

Sadly people still don’t realize clinical depression is a real disease. Sometimes no amount of meds or excercise can exorcize the inner demons. Throw hormones and pre menopause into the mix .. Not pretty. Everyday a battle to put one foot in front of the other. 

My gym pics are snapshots of a moment in time. They are not the whole person .. Just s snapshot in time of when I do feel light and happy. It’s an everyday battle to chose the light.

Poor Guardian Angel.. Working Overtime

 Love this meme. Probably posted already but still as relavent. Haven’t done anything out right self destructive but binging., very PMS. Overbooking myself so being in all they places I need to be s challange. Taught Pump tonight. Not as good as yesterday. Just feel more connected and grounded when teaching at JCC and Eclipse. Due in part that I’ve taught in both places for a while and established relationships with people in those classes. 
Got a few great compliments tonight. Not my best pump night. Cold fogging my head but experienced enough to just go with whatever I start with and coach to that. In pump tracks 2-6 and 8 strong. Missed something in warm up but nailed above tracks. 

Still my guardian angel still trying to figure myself out. Wish I would give her an easier job