New Year, New Opportunities, New Adventures

Really need new year to start. Trying to let go of all the things that are keeping me down. No grand New Years Eve plans. Just sleeping and waiting for 2016. Need to move forward. Taking advantage of new opportunity; my own CXWORX class at RWJ starting next Thursday.
6am!! Lol. Totally crazy on my part but need to accept challenge. Just need to figure out how to get Michael to school and pray no traffic so I can get to school on time. Hoping that this opens up opportunities to sub and maybe get some more classes. Lately only place I feel happy. The gym.

Still More Wishful Thinking Than a Reality

 Not Free Yet, but Soon, I Hope 
I am definitely a different person from who I was last year; no doubt.  In most ways I am stronger but also more jaded.  My edges are harder as I try to protect myself from pain. Doesn’t help that I pick at the scars instead of letting them be. Less afraid in general because for the most part the worse that can happen has. Never going to get what I truely want so I tell myself that once I had “it” I really wouldn’t want it after all. 

I need to remind myself daily of all I achieved this year and all of the blessings I have. Keeping busy also helps. It did today. Gym this morning; cardio and lifting plus working on shoulder mobility so that I can add a clean and jerk to my power lifting. Basketball game this afternoon, instructed Body Pump and then hung out with a really good friend who greeted me with sushi and wine. Probably one of nicest days in a long time. Morning workout made me feel strong. Didn’t matter that my son’s team lost by 50 points. He was happy that I let him drive to and from game. Of course he waited up for me to come home. He always does. My personal protector, but also think he can’t go to sleep until he knows I’m home safe. Then our usual banter. 

My class went really well. Not a lot of people but it felt good, confident and in control. Most of all it felt fun. People liked my play list and the class in general. Always good to hear when filling in for someone else. 

Off to Philly tomorrow. Ghengis Khan, here we come! Every once and a while I feel my wings. The cage I live in is self constructed and only I can let myself free. 

Astrological Sign a True Fit

This makes me laugh because it is so true. I am very much my sign. I am ruled by the moon and at most at peace by the water. I am a lionesses to those I care about and when feeling thretenened or hurt I retreat into my own world. . ebbs and flows just like the moon and tides. Trying to plan and do things. Just not sure what next move should be. Trying to learn new pump by Sunday for launch and CX for the week after. Have CX AIM in February. But I need to be busy. 
Plan to lift in the morning , then basketball game, maybe some cardio, and then covering for Body Pump then hanging with a friend. Live each day like its your last!

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Save Yourself

Believe, Chose, Dream   

Everyday. Make the choice to live, love and be. No appologizing for who I am. Mistakes and all. Saving myself. One step, one day at a time. Those who matter don’t mind , those that mind don’t matter. 

Spent day in NYC with my girl. Saw a show. Really happy I didn’t fuck up her Christmas this year. 

   

Tis the Season to be Grateful

There Really is so Much to be Grateful for  1. My children.. So blessed to have two amazing kids. They continuously make me want to be a better person.. To set an example.., they give me purpose and more joy than I would otherwise know.

2. Amazing friends.. Those who have stood by me for years, drive my kids (Herk), those who I have known since childhood and those who brighten everyday 

3. My gym family.. Especially trainer boy (he hates when I call him that).. Truly the part of the day I most look forward to.. The people who push me to become the strongest version of me and support me along the way. 

4. My teaching career.. I love my students. They continuously challenge me and keep me on my toes. It allows me to support my kids. Also work with incredible people who are immensely supportive and caring. Couldn’t ask for a better team. 

5. Group X.. Instructing .. Les Mills.. Words can’t express how invigorating it is to find something I am passionate about. Searched a really long time to find something I enjoy and challenges me at the same time. To be able to make a difference in someone else’s fitness is an incredible thing.

6. My body. Not because I want to be a super model, far from it. But it is healthy and strong. It allows me to work hard every day. Doing so allows me to also soothe my mind and soul. Don’t know how I would mange if I couldnt get my release on the gym floor 

Tis the season to be grateful and I am. I met challenges;Spartan Beast, Cx and GRIT certification. Also a year of change and loss. My divorce finalized and the passing of Ditty.  Watching someone I love fall apart and the realization of truths I’ve been denying. Love someone so much that their happiness is paramount and do whatever in my power to see to it. Their friendship and love is enough. Yes, I am grateful. For many things. 

Embracing the Quiet

 Silence is Golden  
 “The soul knows how to heal itself. The challenge is to quiet the mind.”

Took a cue from a friend who came here, High Point State Park, to think. I came here for the opposite reason. To not think. To just sit in the quiet and enjoy the silence. It took me a while to hear it. The silence. Was colder than I thought. I guess when you go to the highest point in the state you should expect that. 

But then as I sat looking at the water I noticed how the light was bouncing off the ripples and it looked like little bursting stars. That’s when I noticed the silence. For the first time in months I felt a sense of peace. I was ok being alone. I was at peace with myself. I climbed to the top of the observation tower and to the High Point monument. Wish I could post all the pictures lol . Just one more😊

 

Sleep is a Beautiful Thing

 Self Healing Kind Of… Trying to focus on myself..

Things I learned:

Sleep is a wonderful thing especially when  averaging 8-10 hours the last 3 nights. The wear the lack of sleep does to your body is detrimental to both body and mind. Sleep deprivation is real and dangerous. 

Exercise heals the body, mind and soul. Force yourself everyday to move. Physically it is good for you but the endorphin high will boost your mood even if only during the workout. 30 minutes of feeling good is better then zero min. 

Be grateful for healthy children and good friends. They make life worth living. Tell them how you feel. Lavish them it it makes you happy. 

Acknowledge your feelings. Communicate them clearly. They are real and they matter. Do a reality check. Then move on. Talk to someone, do something, listen to music, go for a walk, read…

Take care of yourself.. Get a physical, check your meds.. Don’t be ashamed to do what you need to heal. Walking the talk. Made appointment. 

Be kind to yourself. You are human with no super powers. You get sad and angry. You get tired. But remember all you achieved , the people you helped just because, the difference you do make. 

Again trying to walk the talk. Some days lucky if I remember one. Baby steps everyday.

Self Made Prison

The wall of my cage are self constructed. The irony is almost funny if not so sad. Not going to say much because not much to say.

Let Yourself In

 Be raw It not about finding oneself. Because I can keep looking and never find what it is think I need, what will make me whole. That “thing” doesn’t exist.  What counts is accepting who you are and who you will never be. 

Choosing what you dont want to become. Who you don’t want to be. Accepting that what I think I want really isn’t because it wouldn’t be what I needed in the end. Accepting that sometimes you will never fit in to the “norm”. That you hate small talk, you don’t like pretending to be interested in something when you aren’t. Don’t like wasting your time, and like to get to the point. I’m impatient, insecure and needy.  That’s as raw as it gets. But I’m loyal, way to empathetic, like doing things for people I care about. Honest to a taut. Anyway I know who I am and that has to be enough. It’s not but its all there is. 

So I let myself in this weekend. I allowed myself to grieve this weekend. To grieve the loss of my home and privacy, the loss of the family and home I took from my children, my step dad, the person I thought my mother was. Sobbing for hours grief, gut wrenching, hiccuping, sobbing. That was after I woke up in a cold sweat, clothes and sheets soaked. 

I let myself in. In to me. Talked off the edge by someone who reminded me of all I should be grateful for. Hopefully he remembers the same. 

And so it’s not about finding myself. Or finding something to make me happy. If I can let go of what I think I’m suppose to do and let myself do what it is I am naturally inclined to do maybe I’ll find peace. Peace in myself. Peace. Really what this time of year is about. Peace on earth is never going to happen but maybe if people could find peace within themselfthey would stop lashing out on those around them. 

Exorcism of the Inner Demons

 Aka Leg Day 
The pro/con of tormenting all day the friend who happens to train you is that he makes me pay for it in the end lol. Really, walking lunges with 150 barbell. Lunges of every kind. Sprints and resisted bear crawls. Yes, by the end,  the restlessness and recklessness was replaced by exhaustion and an endorphin high. More productive and beneficial then the alternative. 

Still, I need to break this cycle I’m in. Control what I can and let go of the rest. Live with intention.. real Karma. Find joy and purpose in something and breathe. Would be much easier if not for fucking hormones; they  ..

 Oiyyyyyy